You can tell a lot about a guy from his shoes or his car or the way he treats people in general. But if you want real insight into his weird brain, check out his preferred sexual position.
One simple act that can be done in countless ways means whatever choice he makes says a lot about who he is as a man. So here’s what each means about your guy, along with his yearbook superlative and what I’m guessing his favorite dirty talk phrase is.
If you’re too busy to read them all, here’s a cheat sheet: Every se.x position means he is a weird pervert and you should run away immediately.
FAVORITE POSITION: MISSIONARY
What It Means: He failed art class in kindergarten for lack of creativity. He learned all his se.x moves from PG-13 movies and thinks lighting a candle is the height of romance. He is a patent lawyer or accountant.
Voted Most Likely To: Have The Same Haircut Until He Dies; Describe A Sunset As “Pretty Good”
Favorite Dirty Talk: “Do you like that? Do you like that? Do you like that? Do you…oh, you’re asleep.”
FAVORITE POSITION: DOGGY STYLE
What It Means: He wishes you looked more like Nicki Minaj and less like Keira Knightly. His Internet search history is 29 different variations on the word “butt.” He watches a lot of Animal Planet.
Voted Most Likely To: Drop The Hottest Mixtape In The Streets; Get Arrested At The Dog Park
Favorite Dirty Talk: “MY ANACONDA DON’T!”
FAVORITE POSITION: STANDING
What It Means: He is a NASA advanced mathematician with an innate understanding of angles, degrees, and torque. Or he is roughly your same height.
Voted Most Likely To: Win The Claw Machine At The Fair
Favorite Dirty Talk: “Oh, yeah baby, now raise your left leg four inches and rotate your hips 75 degrees to the right. Prepare for entry.”
What it means: He’s the type of guy who thinks two B’s equals one A. He likes to text while driving and uses his laptop on the toilet. He thinks he is a great multi-tasker, but he really just has ADD.
Voted most likely to: Eat A Sandwich While Exchanging Wedding Vows; Listen To Two iPods At Once
Favorite Dirty Talk: [muffled noises]
FAVORITE POSITION: COWGIRL
What It Means: He has a bad back or is very lazy—or both. He orders in both lunch and dinner every day and occasionally breakfast. He has never once helped do the dishes.
Voted Most Likely To: Order An Uber To Take Him To The Mailbox And Back
Favorite Dirty Talk: “Yeah, uh huh. Just like that. Do that. Okay, now do that. Just keep doing that, I’ll let you know you when I’m good.”
FAVORITE POSITION: REVERSE COWGIRL
What It Means: He wants you to have an 0rgasm, but he’s worried about getting bored while he waits.
Voted Most Likely To: Wear A Go-Pro Camera On His Head
Favorite Dirty Talk: N/A; he is silent, as if he were admiring a beautiful painting at a museum.
FAVORITE POSITION: SPOONING
What It Means: He’s tired. So very tired. Also, he props his laptop on its side when he lies in bed so he catch up on his Netflix.
Voted Most Likely To: Get A Severe Sunburn On One Side Only; Slowly Fuse To A Couch Like On Some Awful TLC Show
Favorite Dirty Talk: Does snoring count?
FAVORITE POSITION: LOTUS
What It Means: He has way too much self-confidence, none of it warranted. He listens to a lot of Sting, but never Sting & The Police. He biggest turn-on is breaking a hip.
Voted Most Likely To: Grow A Man Bun; Own A Poncho; Die From Autoerotic Asphyxiation
Favorite Dirty Talk: “Listen to these Buddhist chants I learned from my guru, Chad.”
FAVORITE POSITION: ON THE FLOOR
What It Means: He just moved into a new apartment and has no furniture yet. He just bought a brand-new rug and wants to ruin it. You are currently on Jupiter and gravitational forces are pulling you toward the ground.
Voted Most Likely To: Have Carpet Burns; Induce Carpet Burns
Favorite Dirty Talk: “Oh cool, the remote was under the sofa the whole time.”